


Randy's Hot Tonight

by lordjenjen



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, M/M, See authors notes for additional tags, randyweek2019
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-18 22:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20646758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordjenjen/pseuds/lordjenjen
Summary: Compilation for Randy Week 2019Summaries, tags, warnings, and additional ratings will be in Authors Notes. Aiming for 5/7 prompts.





	1. Day 1: Randy is a star

**Author's Note:**

> Randy joins a boy band. Sorry all you BTS fans.
> 
> No additional tags or warmings.

Day 1 Alternate Ego

"Dad, what the hell are you doing?"

Randy took a deep breath. Leave it to Cynical Stan to ruin his dreams. He was just like his dad. Always saying things like "you've got your head in the clouds" or "stop acting like a fool and get back to work."

But Randy knew he was bigger than this. Bigger than his life as a house husband. Bigger than just his looks and mind. He had true talent.

"I'm living my life how I want,  _ Stan. _ "

"I'm telling Mom."

Randy huffed. Another one that just didn't understand. Sharon was always holding him back. "Don't demolish the house, Randy" and "why did you burn the pot field, Randy?" Always nag nag nag. No one understood him.

"Whatever. See if I care." With that Randy threw his bag out the window before following it, leaping onto the snow covered ground. 

He was leaving his family to follow his dreams and no one was going to stop him. 

***

It was hard work but Randy felt truly happy for the first time since being in FingerBang. Sure it had only lasted three minutes, but it was a glorious three minutes. 

Words were spoken to him in a language he'd barely begun to understand. Randy just nodded, acting like he understood everything. Instead he moved to where the director pointed and looked at his agent. 

“Just kinda have fun with it.”

Just have fun with it? Randy shrugged as the clapper went off and began dancing to the music. No sooner had he started before the clapper snapped again and yelling began. Randy turned towards his manager for guidance on why he was being yelled at. Someone ran over and pulled Randy off to the side as the rest of his band mates talked. 

“Do as he does,” his agent hissed. 

Randy nodded and copied the dance moves he was being shown. Another round of yelling and he was being ushered back into the group. The clapper went off and randy performed the few seconds of dancing he was taught. It took them several takes before the clapper went off again and Randy was shown to a new set. His manager quickly translated what was being said. Randy understood. It was a fun house and he was supposed to look like a badass while lip syncing his part. He didn’t understand the language but he did his best. Take after take after take. It was grueling work, but randy was glad he was finally making his dreams come true.

If only he had a singing role instead..

***

It was so easy being sad when you missed your family and shit. His band mates were an excellent substitute, but while alone in bed, Randy allowed himself to miss his family. Mostly Sharon and her sweet kisses and her pussy around his dick. God he missed sex. His hand just wasn't enough. 

Randy picked up his phone and called home. It rang a few times before being answered. 

"Hello."

"Hey Stan." His precious son Stan. Randy's heart swelled with longing. "Where's your mom."

The other end was quite a moment before it was hung up. Randy's heart ached. He should have expected as much. Stan was probably going through a rebellious stage. But this is what Randy had wanted, to be Boy Band famous. So what if it was another country, he was still loved by millions.

Sleep was needed but it was so difficult some nights. Nights like this, Randy knew he'd be up till light break regretting his life choices. The longing for what he couldn't have would get to him and he knew it, but he couldn't fully let it go. He loved his family. Maybe he could see them on his American tour coming up. He wouldn't let them know where he was, wouldn't get close. Just a pass by the house. Just a quick flight from California to Colorado and then just drive by the house and check in on them. 

Yeah. 

That would be nice.

***

"Stan. Stan! Have you heard this absolute fucking bop?"

Stan rolled his eyes at Kenny, his friend was way too excited over a song. It meant it was some pop shit Stan wasn't sure he would be up for listening to. Still, Stan humored his friend. 

"It's Kpop."

"Like Psy? Kenny that's so two kay twelve."

"No, not like Psy. And don't diss Psy like you didn't dress as Gangnam Frankenstein for Halloween that year."

"You know why-"

"I'm kidding. Jeez."

Stan rolled his eyes as Kenny handed him an ear bud. It was a fucking bop even though Stan couldn't understand a single word, but that wasn't why Stan was listening so intently.

"Kenny, who is this?"

"They are called BTS- wait!"

Stan didn't pay Kenny any mind as he began running out of the school. He knew that voice! He fucking knew it but he needed confirmation.

No one was home, it being 11 am and all. Despite not needing to work, his mom spent almost no time at home. She refused to let Stan do anything fun all because  _ Randy _ had to run off. And for what? So they could live comfortably? To one of his many lifelong dreams and fantasies he's had? 

Stan quickly googled BTS and was left in shock. That was definitely his father. It may have been a while since he'd seen him, but Stan could pick out that stache out in an 80's porn movie. He'd done it. He'd become the boyband famous he'd always wanted. 

Rage built up in Stan. He didn't have much time to dwell on it as Kenny crashed into his room. 

"My- my iPod. Ass-" Any insult fell from Kenny's lips as he saw Stan's screen. "Oh."

***

Randy never thought he'd be on SNL. Even when he was in NYC as a stand-up, he'd come nowhere near this close to being in the building. Yet now he was here as part of the Musical guest. He let his eyes gloss over as he thought of his family. Would they be watching? Did they know? He doubted they knew otherwise he'd be served with the divorce papers long ago. 

"Hey." A hand on Randy’s shoulder caused him to jump and turned towards the intruder, ready to fight.

"Oh Sh--" Randy caught himself. Suga's kind eyes and smile reminded him of Sharon. "Ssssuga. What's up."

“Rehearsal.”

The man walked away, talking to J-Hope about him. In the nearly year Randy had been apart of the band, he’d managed to pick up on a few bits of the language. He never let his band mates know he knew Korean. His agent had given them all some excuse that he’d hit his head and couldn’t remember Korean. Apparently Koreans were particular about who could be in a korean boy band, so his manager had given him a whole backstory and everything. Randy just had to play stupid, and that was one think he knew he could do well. But still, he was confused by his band mates and someone named Kim.

By far the best thing about being in a Korean boy band was the mix in fashion from two of his favorite points in life, the 80’s and when it was cool to be a metro sexual. God he missed those days. Here, they just always dressed him like that. Off the shoulder, crop top sweaters, flamboyant shirts. Oh how he loved it. And the pampering.

Since joining the group, Randy had definitely become a better dancer. Even if he only knew the few dance routines, it was still better than that square dancing he taught Stan. He couldn’t believe his son fell for that shit, thinking it was actually good.

Heartache overtook Randy. He missed Stan. He missed Shelly. He missed sex with Sharon. Life in a Korean boy band was hard!

***

The screams were deafening, its what randy lived for. The screams and the panties. Well if they toured in the US more, there would be loads of panties, he just knew it. Stll the screams would do for now. 

“You’re up.”

Randy rubbed his palms on a towel and left the green room. The stage they were performing on was smaller than what they were normal, but they all made it work. 

Cheers erupted as soon as Emma Stone said their name. The music started and moving became second nature to him. Lean left, shoulder shake. Lean right, shoulder move. Point to the audience. Move stage right and out of the way. Come back in, reverse swim. Sexy hip thrust to the left. Left right jig. Gather up, point at the audience. Look up. Stage right. Spot a red poof ball in the audience. Three minutes of back up dancing. Wait-

Randy hoped no one saw his light falter, still he couldn’t help but stare at where he saw the hat. 

He shook his head. Back in the game. Chorus dance again. 

“Took can oh go mal halguh-” Randy really didn’t understand what he was rapping, he just did what he was told, but it sounded good he had to say. “Nadamoregoo hee mee dorengogeedee hasseo. No paborin sky, keyoje boren hall-” Randy wasn’t even sure he was saying things the same way twice, he just lived for the moment he could say his enlish lines and go back to dancing. He really wished he was the singer instead. “Let me fly!”

Randy gave the audience a little wink, and went back to dancing. How the hell his blonde wig stayed on through the vigorous dancing, randy didn’t know. The sweat, however, meant he would need a makeup touch up. Randy ran into Suga, who’d come to a sudden stop in front of him. There was a bit of chatter as they slowly filed into the green room. 

“What the hell, man? Why-”

Randy stopped speaking as the green room door closed. Sitting on the couch was a pissed off looking Stan and the McCormick boy. Next to them sat a man Randy had never seen before. He looked like he’d seen better days, hair needed cut, at least the blonde 6 inches at the ends.

“What the hell are you doing, dad?”

Gasps were heard around the room. 

Instantly, Randy went on the defensive. “Psh. Dad?”

“Fuck you, Randy!” He was surprised the McCormick boy spoke. He was usually so quiet.

“Seriously! What the hell are you doing? Why the fuck did you kid nap and-”

“Woah woah woah!” Randy threw up his hands. “I kidnapped no one!”

“I kidnapped the real RM.” Randy felt metal press into the back of his head.

Both boys threw their hands into the air, Stan yelling holy shit as he did so, dropping a manila envelope. 

“Woah! No hold on-”

The gun pressed harder into Randy’s skull. “You can it, american scum!”

“Hey now! That’s just mean.”

“He’s got a fucking gun to your head! No. You know what. Shoot him. At least them mom will be able to move on! No messy divorce!”

“Sharon?” Randy’s heart broke over the thought of never being able to fuck his wife again. 

“Why are you doing this?” Oh, precious J-Hope. Always so insightful.

“For the great supreme leader!” 

“Supreme who?”

“The supreme leader you fool! The Great Kim Jong Un! He will be ruled by all Koreans! My plan was perfect! Infiltrate the boy bands of the tretous South Koreans. Take the country down by turning their own country against them! But I needed a stupid pawn. A stupid American. You really thought RM stood for you?”

“But-” Randy’s heart broke. He was just a pawn? This wasn’t real? He wasn’t loved by millions. “Randy Marsh.”

“Ignorant fool! I kidnapped the real RM. I was planning on brainwashing him into being the ultimate weapon for the Great Leader! I would have been praised! I would have gotten glory! My family would have been freed!”

Randy closed his eyes. It was all for nothing. He gave up his home, his family, his alcohol and weed. And for what? Was anyone actually cheering for him? Was he just a joke? Randy pulled the wig off his head and let it fall to the floor. It was useless. Sharon and Stan had been right about this being a terrible idea. He was just full of terrible ideas. He was going home.

“Alright, I guess it’s time to go home.” Randy pushed past his old manager. He had no use for the man and the man had no use for Randy. He was hanging up his artist hat. He would go back to being a simple Colorado pot farmer. 

“Stop amer-”

Randy’s brain hardly separated the sounds. A loud bang happened at the same time a pain shot up through his shoulder and arm. Randy fell to his knees, turning to see his old manager fall to the floor, being wrestled but the McCormic boy just as security showed up. 

The last thing Randy heard was Stan shouting. 

***

Randy couldn’t remember much but his shoulder sure did hurt. He cracked one eye, the lights too bright for more than just that, and saw Sharron sleeping in the chair, her head resting on the bed.

“Hey honey.” Randy’s voice cracked as he spoke.

“Randy?” Sharon lifted her head, her happy face quickly to anger. “Randy!”

“I can explain! It-” Randy quickly thought of a lie. “Uh- It was a secret US government mission. I couldn’t tell you!”

Sharon’s face softened. “Oh Randy!”

Randy smiled as she hugged him, her soft breasts pressing into his body. It was good to be home.


	2. Brewfest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Randy and his drinking buddy Thomas are in Germany for Brewfest. Their sons are also there. 
> 
> Warnings: violence, drinking, drunk violence.

Day 2 Drunk/High

It was magical. A dream come true. Who knew Brewfest in Germany was such a wondrous festival. Randy could cry with all of the ales and beers they had to sample and drink. It was like his own personal heaven. 

And he didn't speak German. 

Oh it was hell, not understanding a damn thing anyone was saying. Were they all Nazis and he should be worried? Everyone knew Nazis hated Nendrethals as much as the Jews. But he'd brought friends. He had company, of sorts. Randy remembered Stan had taken German in school so it only made sense to bring him and his boyfriend, and his boyfriend's dad. 

Stan insisted Craig wasn't his boyfriend, but he knew better. Craig was gay. Stan was probably gay since bisexuals were just gays who couldn't admit it. It was a perfect and they were bonking. But more importantly, Randy got to hang with the only person in town who could keep up with his drinking, Thomas Tucker. 

Oh how much fun this was going to be. 

"Stan! Stan!" Randy drug his son over to a booth. "Ask her what kind of ale this is!"

Stan rolled his eyes at his dad before turning towards the booth employee. The language was harsh on Randy's ears, but that was fine! Enough beer and he'd be set. 

"She said it was a traditional style German lager. Brewed and aged in old rum caskets in an old castle."

That made sense to Randy. What's a cooler location than a castle storeroom? No where. Randy immediately bought two, one for him and one for his tall buddy. They clinked their glasses before taking a delicate sip, just enough to tease the pallet. Both deciding it was good, they drank the beer before heading to the next booth. 

Booze as far as they could see. It was like the Farmers Market of beer with music and costumes. Every new booth was a new, unique drink. And with it brought new flavors that danced inside Randy’s mouth. He and Thomas would cheers and enjoy their beverage. The more sloshed Randy got, the more he was enjoying himself.

As they were leaving a booth, Randy crashed into another person, spilling their refreshments all over both of them.

“Oh god! I’m soooo sorry!” Randy did his best to try and help. 

Insead, he was yelled at and shoved away. The action activated Randy’s Fight or Flight response. 

“Oh it on pal!” He yelled trying to strip off his shirt. “You wanna go? You wanna fight?” 

“Dad stop!” Stan rushed over, pulled Randy’s shirt back on, apologizing to the man. The man pushed Stan, causing him to fall.

No one touched his son. Randy swung hard, fist coming in contact with the man’s face. The action caused him to fall back into his friends, but he came back up, ready to fight. Randy fed off the commotion around them. The noise only made him stronger. Suddenly he was no longer having his time at Brewfest, he was back at one of Stan’s little league games, fighting another dad.

A fist came in contact with his shoulder, knocking him a bit off balance. Before the man could land another blow, Randy went in for the kill, punching his stomach before giving his face another taste of his fist. The man went down and randy raised his arms in victory before he was being placed into a choke hold and led threw the crowd. 

‘“Oh! I’m sorry! I thought Germany was a free country!”

“Dad. Please shut up.”

Stan turned back to the men escorting Randy out, conversing with them in gibberish. He turned his head to see Thomas give him a thumbs up. That’s the sort of reaction Randy was looking for. They were ushered inside a tent where Randy was forced to sit.

“Look man! It wasn’t my fault. He started it!”

“Please, Mr Marsh. Let your son explain,” one of the big blonde guys said.

Randy huffed and crossed his arms. This was a stupid. Thomas did his best to cheer Randy up, reminding him they had all week, but Randy felt like his time was spoiled, the day was definitely spoiled and it wasn’t even dark out yet!

By the time they were escorted out of the festival, the sun had set and Randy wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t care if Stan was up set. It's not like Stan could drink. He had no reason to be mad at Randy for fighting in a fight they didn’t even start. 

“Knock it off. It’s one fucking evening. You’re allowed back in tomorrow.”

Randy huffed. It was still stupid.

“I saw your fight.”

The group jumped at the mad suddenly beside them. 

“What about it?” Randy asked causing Stan to groan. Craig reached out and patted his back. They were so gay.

“It was good. How would you like to spend your night making money and fighting?”

“Will there be beer?”

“That’s the whole point,” the man answered laughing, increasing the inflection on his accent. “Come with me and I will show you a side to the festivals you would never have imagined.”

Stan let out a groan. “Please dad, no. I just want to go back to the hotel.”

“I have to agree, Mr. Marsh.” Craig’s stupid voice made up his mind.

“Lead the way.”

Thomas let out a cheer, causing the boys to groan.

“We could just ditch them,” Craig offered. “We weren’t kicked out. We could go back and drink.”

“Our dad’s are too stupid sober to be trusted on their own. And I don’t want mom getting mad.”

Craig groaned and the two followed behind their dads. Randy attempted to take in where they were going, but all the markings were gibberish. Randy doubted they were even real words. Roughly, he was pulled down an ally and placed in front of a giant steel door. Their escort gave three raps before a little peephole slid open. Randy tried peering around the big guy to see the inside of the hall. The slide slammed shut, cutting off his peeping.

It was quiet in the alley. Just when Randy was about to give up, the giant door opened to a sketchy looking hallway. The rest of his party was reluctant to follow their new friend, but randy was itching to fight. Another door at the end of the hall was opened, allowing them to enter a large underground room. There were no windows, only cement and shit fluorescent lights. This did not detur the hundrends of people cramed into the space. Randy soaked it all in. there were men playing beer pong, men chugging beer out of a glass boot, quarters, drinking games Randy had never thought of before. People were cheering on their favorites and having such a blast, randy wanted to join them.

“That is not for us, Mr Marsh. This way.”

Everyone longed to join in those festivities, but their attention was torn away by shouting in the next room. The swarm of people did nothing to block the view of the boxing ring in the middle. The two men fighting were in full street clothes and looked as if they were practicing their MMA fighting style. A mug was thrusted into randy’s fist, next to him, Thomas was given a similar drink. Even Stan and Craig had a drink. The two boys cheered and took a large drink. He let out a cheer for the boy’s and their first drink ever, glad they could share this father/son moment. Randy downed half his drink as his guide came back and began ushering them off to the side.

Something was shoved into his mouth and randy was told to breath. When it was removed, he was told to drink more. Randy was all for that!

Cheers and Boos erupted as the winner of the match was announced. The glass was hardly empty before another was being handed to Randy. 

“Alright, Mr Marsh-”

“Call me Randy! We’re pals now!” Randy raised his glass stine to show they were indeed, pals.

“Alright, Randy,” hearing his name spoken in such an accent made randy feel like a god. “You will be fighting in the next round. The rules are, no weapons, no killing.”

“What else?”

“That’s it. Everything else goes.”

They watched the next round of fighting where the loser took a swing, fell on his face and didn’t get back up. It lasted less than a minute. Thomas pulled him into a good luck hug, before randy was being ushered to a set of stairs. Even though he understood nothing the announcer was saying, he understood his name. He liked hearing his name called out in such a way, it was invigorating. 

His opponent looked to be just another frat bro. Randy had taken care of enough of them to know how to handle this shit. The guy kept yelling at randy instead of actually raising his fists. He was sure the guy was speaking some sort of english, catching oi and mate, but it was so fast and slurred, he may as well have been speaking german with the rest of them.

The bell rang and randy began shouting. 

“You wanna fucking do this!?”

“Lesfookinfite, mate!”

“Fine! Let's do this!” Randy yelled taking his shirt off. “Let’s fucking do this!”

The frat boy backed up a bit confused, giving randy an opening he took. He landed a punch in the stomach before bringing his knee up to his face. The guy dropped without ever throwing a punch. Cheers erupted giving randy a wave of adrenalin. He was ready for his next fight!

He was escorted out of the ring and given another beer. 

“That was perfect, Mr- Randy.” His new pal patted him on the back and pointed to a board Randy hadn’t noticed. What he did notice was he was suddenly replaced as a semi finalist contestant. “You just have to win two more rounds!”

Thomas pulled Randy into a bear hug, singing him praise. 

As they watched the next few rounds, Randy found himself leaning more on Thomas to stand. His friend helped him stay standing, but Thomas was also getting too drunk to stay standing. It was some good shit if both of them were getting drunk off their asses. They were having a good time watching other drunk people fight. Even Stan and Craig had nothing negative to say about it, and those two always had negative things to say. 

Randy tried to study the mad who would become his next opponent. He was scrawny, feisty little man who spent a lot of his time moving around. Randy was not about that life. No one would catch him dancing around his opponent. This seemed to work for the guy though, as he landed a punch to the man's spleen. This brought the bigger guy down to his level, allowing him access to punch his face before slamming it into the floor. The force of the man's face hitting the ring caused blood to spray out over people closest to them.

A whistle was blown and two large muscle men came in and held the little guy down as another man checked up on body laying in the ring. A stretcher was brought in and the man was carried off as the two refs talked. The one originally in the ring blew his whistle and yelled something in German causing mixed yells of cheers and boos. 

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" Stan's yell and Craig's wide eyes spoke volumes. It was something serious. 

"What? Is he dead?"

"No! And because he's not dead, the small guy qualifies for the next round. Dad. I can't let you-"

"Stan." Randy placed a hand on his son's shoulder to try and keep steady. "Stanny boy. Stop being your mother. I've got this."

Randy's new pal came and got him, bringing him into the ring. Cheers erupted but we're quickly drowned out by the cheers for the smaller guy as he entered the ring. For some reason, it reminded Randy of his college days. The way the man moved was similar to the way a pig moved when you were trying to catch and dress it. 

Randy didn't hear anything but soon the guy was circling Randy. Instead of waiting for him to stop, Randy lunged, trying to tackle him. The guy dodged Randy causing him to hit the floor. Randy barely moved out of the way to avoid what ever fucking kick that was. The garring motion of hitting the floor seemed to throw off the guy. Randy used it to his advantage to kick the guys legs, causing him. To crash to the floor. Randy crawled in the guy, straddling the guy. He landed one good punch on Randy before Randy let loose.

It was Randy's turn to be pulled off someone, but was immediately proclaimed victor and handed another beer.

Thomas cheered for him, ready with another bear hug as soon as he was back in the crowd. 

"I thought you were done for when you hit the floor!"

"Nah I had it."

Thomas ruffled his friend's hair. 

"Do you need ice for your face?" Their new pal asked. Randy shook his head. "That's a champion." He made a hand gesture to the ref before pushing Randy to the ring. 

Randy soaked in the cheers from the crowd, even throwing his hands in the air to get more. He was surprised how loud they got from this and began trying to entice more from the other side of the room. As he turned around, his eyes fell on his opponent. 

The man looked every bit of the dad he probably was. Randy knew his type. He fought plenty in his day, at all of Stan's Little League games. And middle school games. And when Stan quit sports in high school, he went to all of everyone else's games. Randy knew the sports dad type well because he was the sports dad type. The key was to out do them in showmanship. 

"We gonna fucking do this!?" Randy shouted. 

"Let's fucking do this!" The man hit his chest, egging Randy on. 

"Let's fucking do this-" 

A right hook interrupted Randy's yelling. 

"Fight me, bitch!" 

Randy gave the man a taste of his own medicine, causing him to stumble back a bit. 

"DAD! DAD! Little League World Cup!" 

"You brought your son to watch you get your ass kicked? Sweet." The man circled Randy, arms up, ready to throw a punch. 

"I brought him so he could see how a real man fights."

"Good thing, since you're not a real man."

Randy blindly swung at the man, catching his cheek, but also received a blow to his nose. He stumbled back, checking for blood and waving off the ref. 

"World Series! DAD! Remember when the world series." 

Oh Randy remembered alright. He whipped off his shirt, using it to wipe his face and threw it to the ground. 

"Come at me brah!" Randy said hitting his chest before throwing his arms out. "Come on!"

"Fight me brah!" The man repeated Randy's action as they began circling again. 

"Come at me!" Randy swiftly unbuttoned his belt and pants, letting them fall to his ankles. "Come on brah! Let's do it!"

The man hesitated just a bit, giving Randy an opening. He swung at the man, catching his jaw. The man tried to back up a bit to regain stability but Randy wasn't prepared to let up. He shuffled towards the man, pants only aiding him in his cause, and delivered another punch to the face before landing one in his stomach. As he bent forward, Randy used this moment to deliver one final punch to the man's face.

As he fell to the ground, Randy raised his arms in victory. 

He never felt so happy than listening to all the cheers and praise.

***

Stan and Craig found the man that brought them to the place. Stan wasn't stupid or drunk enough to be stupid. He saw the wad of cash the man pocketed and he'd promised them money. Craig knew what to do, it wouldn't be their first shake down. Stan tapped his shoulder hoping Craig looked as menacing as needed. 

"What can I help you boys with?"

"I believe you owe my dad money."

The audible galp told Stan that Craig had managed the look. "Ah yes. His winnings. $100 euros."

"Weird. The board there says winner gets 10,000 euros. You can keep your bet money."

That seemed to hit a nerve with the man. "My bet money? Your father cost me 10,000 euros!" 

"Not our problem. But it's about to be a bigger problem for you."

Craig cracked his knuckles, showing he was serious. 

The man pulled out a wad of cash and handed to Stan. He went to turn away from them Craig stopped him as Stan counted out the money. Having hit up people for such before gave him the skills for counting money quickly and efficiently. There had been a mistake in their error but Stan wasn't about to point that out. He'd pocket the extra money while also making it seem like he was generous. He flipped out a thousand euros and handed it to the man before patting his cheek. 

"For all your troubles. Maybe next time to bet against that asshole."

Craig let the man go. He scoffed a bit but changed his attitude quickly when Randy approached. Stan gave Craig a smile as he pocketed the money in a hidden pocket in his coat. Craig gave him a wink and instantly he knew they were going to fuck tonight. 

They turned back to their dads in time to see Thomas pick Randy up again and plant a kiss on him. The sinking feeling in Stan's stomach was echoed in Craig's face. 

"Please no." Craig whispered. "I can't fuck my step brother."

"I don't think it's that serious." Stan didn't, but the thought of their dads having sex was horrifying. "Just a congrats kiss."

"I wanna leave." 

"Me too." 

The two boys separated a bit more as their dads dad's got another beer. It was going to be a long vacation and all the money in Germany wouldn't make it better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's okay! It was just a bro kiss. Also Craig, Stan, and Kenny in their own gang and run the school fight me. 
> 
> I seriously debated making Kenny the last opponent. Like of course he would know about the secret underground Brewfest festivities! He learned about it while singing his way across Europe! But fighting another sports dad just felt right.


	3. "The Talk" But From Randy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Randy Gives the talk to His son and the boys. Day 4 of Randy Week
> 
> Warnings: Talks if sex, grossly incorrect information, but he does get some things right

Day 4 Randy Splaning

It was always a difficult talk to have and no father wanted to have it with their son. But life was difficult, filled with love, with loss. Life wasn’t easy and his son needed to know this. Randy raised his fist to knock on his son’s door. The sooner he got this over with the better. 

And he sure as hell wasn’t going to let Tucker beat him to it.

Randy gave the door a quick knock before barging in.

“Stan, we need to have a talk.” Randy pulled out his computer chair and sat on it back word. Yeah, he was still cool. He looked up and was greeted with some confusion by his sons friends. At least he beat Thomas at something. He didn’t give the talk first, but he was giving it to four boys. “Hey guys, you’re gonna wanna hear this too.”

“Please, don’t-”

“Stan, there comes a time in every man’s life where he learns about his body. And about sex.”

Four sets of eyes were focused on him, waiting for his guidance. 

"Sex is a complex topic. You have sexuality and gender and kinks. You got yaoi, maui, zoawi-" 

"Mr. Marsh, we already know all of this."

"Oh, dear Kenneth. You think you know, but you don't. You see, I'm a scientist and have had sex. So I know all about the sex."

Randy resisted smacking his son as he shoved his face into the pillow. It was a little odd, Stan's pants had fallen off, but it didn't concern him. Stan was just hanging out with his boys. He probably got jelly on them and had to remove them but didn't have time to put shorts back on. Made sense.

"We'll start with normal sex. You guys might be very surprised to find out a lady has two holes down there."

"Three."

Randy was confused by the purple hatted boy’s outburst. His balls also needed to drop already, his voice was too high. "Excuse me?"

"Women have three holes down there, Mr. Marsh."

"They have two, kid. Their anus and vagina."

"Women don't pee from their vaginas."

"No. They pee from their buttholes. Jesus. Now as I was saying," Randy raised his voice to talk over the groans, "Women have two holes their vagina and their butthole. Consent is very important. You have to ask before you stick your junk into a woman, especially their assholes. Women don’t like surpise butt sex.”

“Does anyone?”

“Well, no. Always ask before sticking it in someone’s butt, guys. But we’ll get to men in a moment.”

It was time to enter the hard part of the discussion. Randy needed his tools. He got out of the chair and opened the door. Outside, he’d left his supplies. Randy set up the easel in front of the door so everyone could see and slapped his office white board on it. 

“Now, I’m sure you boys have all seen porn, but porn is unrealistic. No woman is going to suck your dick willingly, you have to get them in the mood. Talk to them. Warm them up a bit. Take them to a musical.” Randy made a rough drawing of a vagina on his white board. “This is the clitoris. If you want a woman to play with your junk, you’re gonna have to play with hers.”

Randy turned to see the purple hat kid nod at the others. Kenny made some vulgar motion with his tongue, causing them all to laugh. 

“Yeah, you might even have to eat her out.” Randy turned back to his board and erased the drawing before drawing some crude stick figures. “Now, when you get a woman nice and wet, you can stick your penis in. Make sure you use a condom to avoid pregnancies and dick rot. But once you get her nice and going, stick with 1-2 sexual positions. Moving around a whole lot just isn't fun. Missionary and Doggy are always safe.” 

Randy drew out the positions as he talked about them. “If you’re feeling adventurous you can try out something like the chair or the Topsy Turvy Pounder.”

“What the hell is the Topsy Turvy Pounder?” Kenny asked. 

The others glared at him but he just shrugged it off. Randy sat backwards on the chair and used his hands to describe it.

“It’s standing sex in a hammock. You have to make sure you both have good footing. And then both of you need to move in the opposite direction to offset the movement.”

"Wouldn't it just be easier to have sex like cowgirl?"

"Or not in a hammock."

Randy was surprised to hear from Kyle, but still gave them an answer. "If it's not in a hammock standing up, then it's not the Topsy Tervy Pounder."

Randy watched his son pinch the bridge of his nose. “Dad, can you just get me a kamasutra book, and get on with it?”

“Well, I guess. Next is Yaoi and gay men. As you know the Japanese decide who is gay and who’s not-”

“What about bi?”

“That's where the maui comes in. See maui is Japanese for half done. But they are so busy making yaoi and deciding who is gay, that sometimes they forget to complete the project and leave it half finished. That’s where bi people come from. Though this didn’t really become a thing until the 60s when everyone wanted to be gay. And by the 80s, bi people became popular thanks to Freddie Mercury and David Bowie, so Japan gave South Koreans full control over deciding who is bi in 1984 as part of a secret anti-commie deal. But it gave them time to go back to making yaoi and yuri. Though even yuri has been since given to Taiwan as a symbol of peace.”

"Alright so-" Randy began writing on the white board, "we've got yaoi, which is gay and chosen by Japan. Yuri, which are lesbians and chosen by Taiwan. And maui which is bi people chosen by South Korea."

"What about asexuals?" Purple hat asked. "What about trans and non binary people?" 

Stan smacked him lightly. "Stop encouraging him."

The distraction gave Randy a moment to think. 

"Well you see, trans and non-binary folk are selected by Thailand. That's always been them." Randy added it to the white board. "Alright so you have all these countries involved in creating the LGBT community and they hold a conference once a year-"

"Mr. Marsh." Randy turned to look at Kyle, who was studying Randy's board super seriously. "What about asexuals?"

"What about them?"

"Who decided who's a sexual?"

"Well-" Randy knew exactly three things about asexuals; they existed, they didn't like sex or something, and he wasn't one.

Randy was blessed by Kenny butting in. "Better question, what should one do if they are in a relationship with an asexual?"

Randy took the opportunity to jump on Kenny's question. "Get yourself some sex toys. And if sex is that important to you talk about an open relationship. If that's not an option, don't force yourself to stay. You're not compatible."

Kyle looked like he was about something but just sat back and looked at Kenny who shrugged. "How do open relationships work?" 

Randy sat back down, glad to be moving away from the gay shit. "Well it really depends on you and your partner. You have to talk about things before you turn it into a screaming match. If all else fails, musicals solve everything."

"What's pegging?"

"It's where the woman wears a strap on dick and then fucks her male partner. It's not gay and is an elegant and intimate experience."

"Thanks you've been very informative, Mr. Marsh."

Randy felt a sense of pride flow through him. He was helpful! And he was glad the kids took notice. Without much more thought Randy picked up his white board and easel and left Stan's room. Laughter erupted as soon as he closed the door but that was to be expected, teens were still immature. 

He was going to tell Sharon he did good and get a blow job for being a good dad!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that was Wendy. Don't remember why I was writing Stan with his pants off. Also if you have issues picking up on the subtle things, Kenny is dating Kyle and Kyle is Ace.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, I was drunk when I finished, not to mention I was originally going to make him the 8th member. I don't really like how this turned out.


End file.
